Category: Lifestyle

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The A-Z of Me

Thank you to the lovely Mummy Musings for tagging me in this meme.

This meme originated from Lauren of The Real Housewife of Suffolk County.

So here is the A-Z of me!

ANORAK…Do you have a sad side?

I remember what people tell me and I seem to be able to tell when they are telling white lies.  It means I get a red face when I know that someone is standing in front of me telling me a lie about why they have changed their mind about something or are making excuses and then they think I have something to hide.

BODY…What physical attribute would you most like to change? 

My size and weight battle.  It’s been a life long issue for me.  I am a sugar and carb addict.

CELEBRITY…Which one would you most like to date and why? 

I agree with Mummy Musings – Robbie Williams.   What’s not to like there.

DEBUT …Tell us about your first ever blog post. What made you start blogging?

I can’t remember my first blog post, as I lost my first blog, but I remember I began blogging as a way of venting, and then found the fantastic community out there who blog and talk to each other.

ERROR …What’s been your biggest regret? 

I have a few.  I think most of us have them by the time they get to 40 +.   One of them would be the fact that I didn’t stand up to a bully when I was 25.   Every so often, I think about what I could have done or said, but hey ho, that’s life.

FUNNY – who’s making you laugh?

My lovely blind dog makes me laugh a lot.  She still does silly things to get attention.   I don’t know how the boys are going to cope when she goes.

GRAND…If we gave you one right now what would you spend it on? 

Easy – I’d get my eldest son some help at school.

HOLIDAY… What’s your favourite destination?  

I am going to be a bit boring here.  Anywhere that my family is.

IRRITATE… What’s your most annoying habit? 

My bad habit of repeating what I say.  It drives me nuts, so I don’t know what it does to other people who have to listen to it.  I can’t stop.

JOKER…Whats your favourite joke {the one that makes you laugh everytime you hear it}?

I can’t think of anything that isn’t a joke my kids have told and some are not printable, so I’ll keep those to myself.

KENNEL… Do you have any pets? 

1 lovely blind lab, and 1 needy and haughty ex wild cat

LOVE…Are you single, married, engaged, living with a long term partner? 

Married 16 or 17 years.  Can’t remember which year we got married, I never can.

MEAL… Whats your ultimate starter, main and dessert?

Starter – Melon and Grapes or Breaded Garlic Mushrooms with Mayo (depending on the diet), Main – Anything that has no meat or peppers in it.  Dessert – Easy, cheesecake anything.

NOW…If you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with? 

In a relaxing spa retreat on my own with a kindle full of books……….

OFF DUTY…What do you do in your spare time? 

Blog, tweet, read & the odd day out.  Hmmm, I think that is common among blogger, tweeter, readers.

PROUD MOMENTS …What are you most proud of? 

My Degree.

QUEASY …What turns your stomach?

The smell when people or animals pass wind or vomit.  “you did ask”

 RELAX…How do you relax? 

Tweeting, Reading, Blogging

SONG…Whats your favourite song of all time? 

Robbie Williams – Angels

TIME …If you could go back in time and relive it again, when would you choose? 

From age 24, as long as I know what I know now.

UNKNOWN…Tell us something about yourself that no one else knows? 

My weight.  You didn’t think I was going to tell you, did you.  I don’t even know.

VOCAL…. Who is your favourite artist? 

Robbie Williams tho I think Matt Cardle is coming a close second if he could get some better songs to sing.

WORK….. What is your dream job, and are you doing it now? 

Not doing it just now.  What I do for free would be nice to get paid for though.

XRAY…Any broken bones?

Arm, Leg and Nose.   All as a child and nothing as an adult (yet)  *touch wood*

YIKES…What’s been your most embarrassing moment? 

I can’t tell you that, it’s too embarrassing.

ZOO…. If you were an animal, which one would you be? 

A contented, well loved and well looked after dog.  I treasure loyalty.

And now I have to tag some other victims bloggers to take part in this meme.

@helpfulmum
@glasgow_mummy
@welshmumwales
@cazbattweets
@julesey10
@seasiderclaire
@mi_shmash

A very similar post I did is here.

 

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Guest Post – Adoption & Drug Users

Firstly, thank you very much to Scottish Mum for letting me guest post on her blog.

I wanted to write something relevant to her readers and I wasn’t sure which route to go down. However, I was listening to a debate on a radio show the other day about adoption and the lengthy process it has become and how this in itself is causing more potential trauma to children in care and I thought this seemed a good topic.

According the BAAF statistics, from April 2010 to March 2011, there were 3660 children under the age of 1 in care. Yet, only 60 babies under 1 were adopted in the same period. The average age of a child at adoption is 3 years and 10 months. To me, this seems rather old to have such a massive change of circumstance. They will have started at nursery and be not far off starting school by that age. If children were placed earlier in their lives, surely there would be less risk of them being scarred mentally by the whole process.

 

Whilst the adoption process is long for prospective adoptive parents, it needs to be, to ensure that the right number of checks have been carried out, and steps taken to prepare those wanting to adopt. However, the court process to get a child into an adoptive family is what seems to hold the process up. The reason for this is that the court puts the mothers needs above that of the baby. Whilst this is reasonable (they might be able to look after their children once they have dealt with issues), what kind of impact is it having on the child? What, I thought, about the babies born to drug users who are unable to look after their baby? Well, it appears that the interest of the mother comes first in these cases too. The courts will keep the baby with the mother (or in foster care) whilst the mother sees if she can ‘get clean’.

Now I may be cynical but, having worked with drug users (and previously covered the topic on my blog here), I have never once met someone addicted to drugs who didn’t put the next hit before everything else in their lives (however much they insist otherwise). So should the interests of these babies not be taken into account? They have potentially already had a rough start in life, like many babies born to drug users, they might have already had to withdraw from the drugs passed to them in the womb by their mother. How many times does a baby or toddler need to be taken into care whilst the mother ‘gets clean’ and is then returned to the mother only to be taken back into care when she falls foul to addiction again?

Research by Drugscope back in 2003 suggested that there were between 250,000 and 350,000 children born to drug misusing parents. With the numbers of drug users rising year on year, the number of children affected is increasing. The only way to stop this, is to offer effective, realistic treatment to the parents.

Whilst I appreciate that there are drug users out there who desperately want to stop taking drugs and will do anything in their means to make sure this happens, they really are the minority. Unless the mother moves away from her current situation, contacts and friends, she will find it all too easy to slip back into the old habits. It is possible to beat addiction and fight for your children, as the article here shows. 

I am absolutely not advocating snatching babies from drug users as soon as they are born, but maybe the balance needs to sway towards what is best for the baby. The first three years of their lives are so valuable in how they are shaped as individuals and how they judge the world in the future.

Sources: http://www.baaf.org.uk/

 

Written By
@helpfulmum from You”re Not From Round Here

 

 

 

 

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Direct Payments for Care of a Disabled Person – Worth it or not?

Some of you may not actually be aware of what direct payments are.

Social services come out and assess a person with a disability or child to see what their care needs are.  From that, a parent (or the person with a disability) can be offered a set amount of hours per week that they are entitled to “buy” the services of someone else to care for them.

We were assessed and approved to receive 8 hours worth of Direct Payments a week for middler.

I can use them for

  • short breaks (take this to mean a few hours a week with a carer who takes them out)
  • nursery place / after school clubs with specialist support  (read £37.50 per day for special needs after school club).
  • club fees (not many clubs going around that will take special needs children)
  • personal care (hahahahahaha)
Finding someone to help

Direct payments means that we need to find our own staff to carry out the jobs above.    Aside from the fact that most of the people who could benefit from direct payments don’t have the ability to interview staff and deal with their employment, the pool of staff who are any good is very very low.

The council may advise and carry out police checks on staff, but the responsibility for the staff shifts from social services / the council – TO YOURSELF.

This means that if anything goes wrong, it’s your own fault.

Employing someone

When you do find someone who you “trust”, you then have to sort out the employers insurance and their tax and national insurance contributions – oh and pay the PAYE to the inland revenue.  Yes, you can use a payroll company, but you still have to sort out hours, payslips and HMRC.

The biggest problems with it are:

  • Finding good staff that don’t make a fool of the service users (middler to me).
  • Finding good staff who have enough time to do it.
  • Arranging the staff time with your child and having to pay for that as well.
  • Risking losing the care package as there are not enough people to do it.

What happens is, that if someone doesn’t manage to use up their direct payments because they can’t get staff, then when they reach the next review, they may well have some of the money taken back, and their hours cut as they will be seen to be not needed as they were not used.

Biggest Bug Bears
  1. My package is for my child.   As well as the huge mountain in finding someone to take responsibility for our children at times we need to find the time to do the regular stuff that other people can do with their kids as part of their daily lives (like homework).
  2. My biggest bugbear (not including not being able to find employees) is that I really could be done with someone doing my housework or making the supper sometimes so that I can spend quality time one to one with my middler.
  3. The person who I PAY to take him out gets to spend the quality one to one time with my boy on  my sterling, and I still have to stay up late to do chores as they have to be done as I have to spend the time he does go away doing the homework etc for the other two.  (yes, direct payments covers the cost of their time, but I have to pay for the carers share of where they go and what they do).
The potential is there for it to be a good way to go in buying the care that we need, but if the social services don’t also start a way help find staff, then it is always going to be difficult to work.
Leave me a comment to say what you think about it.
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Things I think ALL Parents should know about Foetal Alcohol & ADHD Children.

This is a cup of coffee and a biscuit type post.

Have you ever wondered what behaviour characteristics are common to a lot of disabilities?   Many problems, such as Foetal Alcohol and Attachment Disorder, Pervasive Development Disorders  and Language Disorders which are common in Adoption have more pronounced issues along the same lines, but these are things that we should all keep in mind when we are dealing with vulnerable and sensitive children.

You need  remember that not all vulnerable children act like vulnerable children and may act aggressively.   It is our job as adults, not to judge every child by the impossible standards set by children who are not within the special needs arena.

Once a child attends school, the issues and problems that they face increase by startling amounts.   Suddenly they are faced with the sector of society that many of them want nothing to do with in life, but are forced into inclusion.  There are some children, and some situations where inclusion works, but the extent of help within our school systems for these children is just not good enough in  many cases.

If we add the pressure of social acceptance and the pressures put upon them by teachers who want them to meet academic targets, we can see that it is easy to ask too much of children who are not mature enough to deal with it.

Behaviours that can be seen regularly with many of these disabilities are spread across the spectrum, and one or two of these put together is not going to be recognised as a disability.   When we are seeing lots of them together, warning signals should be sounding in parents, teachers and friends heads to get help for them.

You don’t have to listen to me to tell you how many children are being failed by our education system due to costs, you can ask any teacher on a day off with a dry white wine in his/her  hand.

I have heard people on social media, ranging from the ridiculous to the sublime and making all sorts of accusations about the people who say they should not be drinking alcohol.   Well, l can tell you, that life with a foetal alcohol child can be sheer hell for everyone concerned.

Remember this post when you think about picking up a glass of wine once you know you are pregnant.   The only thing the medical profession can agree on is that they DON’T know how much alcohol might affect any child.   From that, I read that it could be one glass or it could be 10 glasses a day every day.  All children and their tolerances are different.

Contrary to common belief, most foetal alcohol children are probably not born to mothers of raging alcoholics.   Most are likely born to women who think that  a few glasses of wine regularly won’t do any harm.    Sadly, those women tend not to admit having the glasses of wine when they are pregnant and they underestimate it to doctors.    Foetal Alcohol Effect as a diagnosis, I suspect is one of the least diagnosed conditions that there are out there.  I can see that most of them are diagnosed as having other conditions that are much more socially acceptable to talk about.

Nobody should hide behind that.  Every mother knows if she drank alcohol when she was pregnant.  If your older children have many of these symptoms, then think seriously about what you are trying to get in place for your children.  Pretending it is ADHD when it is Foetal Alcohol might not get them the help they need, and if they have both conditions, then they are really going to struggle. And don’t read into this that every ADHD diagnosed child should really be FAE because that would be very very wrong.

Being diagnosed as foetal alcohol effect – which does not have the facial symptoms – is not socially acceptable though, is it?

Who is going to admit it to a doctor, and how many doctors are going to bring that up with a parent?  It is the responsibility of the parent to swallow what they did, accept it and get their children the help that they need – before it is too late.  This is the list that applies to a certain lovely little lad that I know with foetal alcohol effect.   There may be more symptoms, but I can only tell you what I know about.

On the surface, unlike the children with Full Foetal Alcohol Syndrome who are much more obviously affected, with more profound special needs, the foetal alcohol effect children look unaffected.  Many of them seen to have good speech patterns, they tend to learn to read and write easily although they often struggle with the comprehension, and they tend to be able to make their daily needs perfectly well-known.

  • ADHD is a common side effect of Foetal Alcohol.  They are not the same thing.
  • Very young children with FAE are very high needs and over demanding. They are often the kind of children that even at the age of 3 +, you cannot leave them in a room long enough to have a pee.
  • Problems with school work and learning academic work, tending to be struggling understanding concepts.
  • Difficulty making sense of some commands that are given.
  • Speech and language problem at times.
  • Difficulty controlling impulses.  Rather like not being able to put the brakes on something and charging ahead without thinking.
  • Short term memory issues.  Learns concepts and then forget them again.
  • Under developed conscience.  Does not see how what they do might have an effect afterwards.
  • Doesn’t see the point of having to adhere to rules.
  • Struggles to deal with feelings of anger or inadequacy and may react with rage.
  • Any anger from anyone else may mean they react the same way.
  • Easily influenced and usually keen to please people which makes them very vulnerable.
  • Extreme reactions to being told no, not today, not getting their own way.   In most cases it is far and above the reactions of non foetal alcohol children.  Even in mild cases, it could show as being overly stubborn.
  • Low self confidence and high drive to be accepted and may take the blame for things to be popular.  May also struggle to tell the truth and be used as a scapegoat by other children as their short-term memory makes them forget the sequence of events, and nobody believes they can’t remember something that happened 30 minutes ago.
  • Teachers lose patience with them as they learn something, then a few weeks later may forget it.
  • They often turn into perceived bullies as other children often taunt them when they learn the weakness, and the Foetal Alcohol child then gives the extreme reaction to the situation and gets punished instead of helped.  The other children know that by the time they get back to class, the FAE child will struggle to get the sequence of events right.
I have recently been made aware of one other characteristics that affect many children and that is the one on sugar cravings.  I know one foetal alcohol child who very much has that, and he will steal to satisfy his cravings for sugar.  It was the first time that I had heard that it was a secondary effect of  FAE.
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I had to read it in a book.  Thank you Brenda McCreight for your book on Recognizing and Managing Children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome / Fetal Alcohol Effects – A Guidebook.
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How enlightening was it to actually know that it was a behaviour that is quite common with the condition.
I don’t doubt that this is hard reading for some of you, and others may feel some guilt at what the possibilities are for your children if you drink alcohol.  I don’t have those hang ups as I did not give birth to my children, but if you suspect that is what your child, or children have got, swallow your pride, see it through and get them the help they need.
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And if you are pregnant and drinking alcohol, then stop now.  If there is any damage done already, at least it will stop when you do.   I really don’t care if you think I am the overbearing Pregnancy Police, because I live with the effect of someone else’s drinking and how it devastates lives, and I don’t want it to happen to your children.
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I will leave you with the words from @melaina25 from Transatlantic Blonde who  hit it on the head in my last post about FAE when she said that there has never been a foetal alcohol baby born to a mother who didn’t drink alcohol.
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Bloggers Adoption Group on Brit Mums

 

 

Brit Mums have had a facelift.  Formerly known as British Mummy Bloggers, they have updated and extended the facilities they have on the get together site for those of us who live and breathe in the blogosphere.

I have set up a new group on Brit Mums for bloggers who have an interest in adoption, or would like to support those who are affected by the issues surrounding adoption.

There must be quite a few of us Adoptive mums (or dads) (or grown ups with their own children). Even those of you who have questions you always wanted to ask, or just if you want to give an adopter some support on the parenting front.  Everyone is welcome.

I suppose with 3 children, I am in the almost veteran category of adoptive parents, and it can be hard to talk about our issues among non adoptive parents.

Perhaps there isn’t a need for a group for us, but if there is a mum / or dad / or child out there who wants to talk about adoption in any form, I will be around, and hopefully there will be others who feel confident enough to put their hand up and join us for the occasional chat when they need it (or even when they don’t).

Anything adoption and blogging related is welcome.  At the moment, I am billy no mates in the new group, and I’d love a few of you to pop over and join me in saying hello, and perhaps opening up the area of parenthood that is often silent in the blogging world.

Join me by clicking on Brit Mums HERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Flood Alert Dramatics

A couple of weeks ago, with the van on a campsite, the threat of flood water in the van was getting higher. The kidlets had told each other scary stories, ranging from dying under tonnes of dirty water, to hearing screams coming from the direction of the river.

The water was very dangerous and the flood alert was in force for the area on the Monday. Local disabled residents were evacuated, and the caravan site was sitting smack bang in the middle of the flood plain. We took an early evening walk down to look at the raging river, and I couldn’t get close enough to get a good photograph of the river, and all roads in and out were closed.

We sneaked across the football field, as close as we dared and although we could spot the raging river, we didn’t dare go close enough to get a decent one, so the flooded children’s playpark is the best that I could do. The raging water was terrifying. It certainly opens your eyes to just how awesome the force of water actually is, and I am someone who spent much time in the middle of the north sea on oil rigs in her youth.

At night, we packed a couple of bags, and I had them sitting at the door of the van, just in case the river had a major flood. We were told that the “flood man” would let us all know if the river began to rise again. The rain seemed to thankfully be slightly easier that evening, and we hoped that the rain would stay lighter upriver so that it didn’t head down towards our precious van again. There were major floods here a few years ago, and lots of fears that it could be repeated.

I had my alarm set for every two hours so that I could keep an eye on the flood alerts, and check out the window to see how it is going. I intended to pop out to the bottom of the site a couple of times during the night to see if they were under water. I never got that far. Thankfully we were at the highest up point on the site, so in less danger than the vans and tents further down the site.

The kids thought it was an adventure, and we all slept in joggers so that we would be able to get out at short notice if the knock came at the door.

I didn’t sleep well at all that night, and littlest woke up about 6 times during the night in terror. He sleepwalks, although it is not as often as it used to be. In strange places, he always has to sleep close to an adult so we hear him on the move. Several times, he ended up sitting bolt upright, in absolute terror shouting “mum, why aren’t you saving me?”? I guess I can get the gist of the nightmare. He faced the door of the caravan and it was not very nice to see hs terror & knowing he was still in his nightmare with eyes wide open.

Thankfully, the danger passed, and with it the last of littlest night terrors.

 

 

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Whats in my bag 2011. (purse for you Americans I believe)

I have never managed to understand the designer bag craze.  I just don’t get it.  A bag is a bag, is a bag, is a bag, is a bag.  It’s for holding stuff in that won’t fit in your pockets, right?

Now don’t go ratting me out as some kind of slobbish, unorganised, ineffectual mother (ok, yes you’re right, I am).  My poor little bag sees very little TLC, and tends to suffer badly from the effects of rain, wind, sleet and occasionally snow in the lovely Scottish climate.   I do give it the occasional polish to bring up the nice leather that it used to be, and the last episode of TLC was the day before the Cybermummy Train Trip.

My current bag has been slung on my back for the last 3 years and was a fantastic (splutter)  £50.00 when new.  I only tend to have one day bag and one for using on special occasions at any given time, so I like them to last.  I have bought cheap synthetic ones in the past, but I’m lucky if they last me a couple of months.  You’d think they could make them so that they would be tougher wouldn’t you?  Then again, maybe I just spend too much time with my bag on my back.

Yes, my bag is a rather untrendy for my age, small, black leather rucksack.  I’ve been wearing this type of bag off and on for about 20 years.  The only time I don’t have one is when I can’t find a nice one when it comes time to replace a worn out trusty.  Then I have to resort to the dreaded over body bags.

I just can’t understand the pleasure or practicality of having to use an arm or a hand to hold up a bag.  Whats that for then?   How do you hold onto a child, or children, and a dog, or shopping when one hand is permanently tied up holding onto a bag for dear life?

I also know people who have bags that seem to have a never ending supply of things in them.   I have a friend whose bag is a revelation.  It doesn’t matter what eventuality she comes across, there is something in that tardis of a bag she carries to fix the problem.

You are allowed to laugh when you see what is in my disorganised little carry bag.  I am dreading looking actually as it is a couple of months now since I cleared it out.

Here goes:

House and Car Keys
Caravan Keys
Chewing Gum
Old Receipts (really bad habit I have of just throwing them in)
Ancient Purse (really could use a new one)
2 Pairs of Earphones
Wrist Strap
Paracetamol
Passport Photos for us all
Virgin Vie Tinted Moisturiser
Some Bloggers Business Cards
Two Pens
Bits of a Toy
Crayons
Tomato Ketchup
Oilatum Cream
Library Cards
Dog Poo Spare Plastic Bags

Yes, I am officially a slob.  No lippy (note to self – must rectify that one).

Yes, yes I know, my bag is in need of replacement.  This one might just last another winter before it bites the dust.  I need to keep an eye out for rucksack handbags from now on.

 

 

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Using kids photos without consent – cool, or not ?

On twitter today, I have been called names because I don’t think that its right to post photos of other people’s children online in recognisable photos on the public internet without asking their parents if its ok to do so.

It’s simple for me, but not for all.

I told what I think is a pretty innocent tweeter that I didn’t think it was cool to post. She had taken pictures of two children in a shop that she didn’t know, and who didn’t know they were being photographed, and posted the picture online to talk about how obese they were to raise awareness of a very real problem affecting many children nowadays.

I don’t think that is proper, but I can see how others might not think about it until someone else mentioned it.    I don’t think its enough justification for the two photographers who jumped on the tweets to start calling me names over it.

I’m not going to go into it all, but they were a couple of photographers that seem to think there are no consequences in this world, and don’t care about anyone elses feelings.   As far as they are concerned, they are going to take pictures of anyone, anywhere, and do whatever they want with them, including anybody’s kids that they take pictures of.  As far as they are concerned, people like me who would like to be asked before their kids pics were put on the internet are idiots.

Do all photographers think like that, or is it just the male kind?

In my view, the least anyone can do morally and ethically is to ask permission of parents of children that you are taking pictures of, if it is ok to use them in a public online place.   Many many people have valid reasons for NOT wanting recognisable pictures of their children posted online.  I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation to want to be asked  before for such an intrusion.

One told me that just because I “shat” out kids, I didn’t have the right to take the moral high ground.

The other told me that we shouldn’t go out in public if we don’t want to be photographed !!

Debate, right or wrong, what do you think?

UPDATE

For those asking to see the tweets/conversation.

My original tweet in response to seeing the pictures of two children and being talked about due to their size was to reply to the person who took them and say that I would delete them if I were her as posting pics of kids she had no permission to was not cool.

She was trying to show the potential dangers of chidren who are overweight in this world to highlight where adults are damaging their kids by leting them get overweight, but using very recognisable pictures of children she had taken in a supermarket.

I have a couple of tweets in my favourites, and I can’t for the life of me locate my favourites on the new twitter web.  I also have no idea how to lift conversations from twitter to post here, or I would have.

Two photographers who were not the ones who took the pictures decided to take it to a whole new level of discussion as they proceeded to call me all sorts for having an opinion that is not the same as theirs.  They were determined to nastily defend the right to use a picture in any way they see fit.

We can have differences of opinions and ideas, and if we don’t like what someone else has to say, we can challenge it.  Where it becomes not acceptable in my view is when people decide to get personal and call us names.

A nice photographer came on later and debated the issue, and apologised for the abuse I had received.  I did not give the two who were nasty any abuse back, rather I tried to discuss it with them, but they were not prepared to discuss, only to call names.

The original photographer who posted the pictures apologised for causing such offence and said she would remove them.

It seems to be that photography students might be being told the legal side which is that pictures in a public place are fair game, and that it is up to their own code of ethics and morality what they do with them.

I don’t know what the definition of public and private place is.

I am also glad of the support of the mum bloggers who have the same opinion as I do that random children should not be used for the sake of someone else’s idea of art.

To me, if they have to ignore the potential subjects feelings to portray what the photographer wants to, then there is something wrong with using or taking the picture.

That is my opinion, and I am open to discussing others opinions on the subject which seems to be a huge emotive debate.

Am I defender of those two children that I don’t know, yes, I guess in a way I am.  If someone did that to my children I would be furious, and I would hope that if anyone saw pictures of my children on the internet without consent, that someone would stand up for them.