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I Demand a Parent Contract – Full and Binding

Image: maple /

I had to go shopping for a birthday card this morning.  After wandering endlessly looking for one that the little mister might not think was too gauche, or too girly, or too boyfriendy for his gal pal, I eventually found one that looked plain enough to be boring, but sensible enough not to be misconstrued as anything remotely resembling a card that someone who has a crush on you would send (phew).

Thinking about the ensuing afternoon and future possibilities kept me in a daydream as I imagined fussing about as mother of the groom, and pointy finger wagging in his direction if he dared to so much as divert from his route to have a pint half an hour before the ceremony.  That led me on to thinking about what clothes we should wear, what other people would think – and a lightbulb moment ensued.

Why, just why on earth do we care so much about what other people think?  Ok, so they might raise their eyebrows at the potential of an 11-year-old groom having a pint on his way to his wedding, but come on, I’m allowed to daydream.   My little mister is just not caring in the slightest about how the future is going to turn out, as he’s not even on very good terms with most of the women of this planet (myself included).

So, all this planning and scheming and wedding attire drooling is all about me.   I can’t be the only one who thinks that the rollercoaster rides to get that far are just too much to live with.  Oh the pressure.

I’d love to set out a parental contract for rules between parents.  It would have to be signed and witnessed by all classmates mums and noted by a qualified barrister (free of charge of course, it’s for mums).


1 – Attire
All children under 10 years old must attend any function, party or playdate with mandatory ripped jeans, dirty shirt, messed up hair, egg dribbling from chin, and a big cheesy grin.  Parents must come straight from doing housework with no make up and scraped back hair.

2 – Birthday Parties
Bring a small gift – what on earth makes people think it’s ok to give anyone under 90 a voucher, or a ten pound note, it’s a child’s party?   Smile when you enter the room, and for goodness sake, don’t let the gossipy ghouls put you off from going over and dipping your hand into the party food.  Size issues MUST be left at the door, and any parent partaking of party fare must eat 4 chocolates and 3 sausage rolls as a minimum.

3 – Playdates
Do not spend 5 hours pre-cleaning your home for 4 pre-schoolers to run around and mess up.  You’ll only regret it.  I promise that I will only clean my house to the degree that you will not be sitting in a pile of hair and fluff when you take a seat to watch the proceedings.   Dirty dishes may be hidden in the oven, and mucky clothes make very good cushion stuffers.

I will light a candle bearing the smells of filtered coffee and freshly baked double choc chip muffin, so be ready for a  watery latte and supermarket cake.

I will only provide clean activities without water, colour or squeezies and I expect you to do the same if a playdate is reciprocated.

4 – After Playdates or Parties
We agree to a mutual verbal thanks for any presents received.   Thank you cards – pored over by bored tinys and tweens that get ripped up 5 minutes after they are received must be banned by mutual appreciation.  Arrive on time to pick up your offspring if you have dropped off and run for the hills, and you must agree to actually come in and help put rubbish in the bin before you go.   Visit my toilet and clean up after your own child if they poop in my toilet and I will do the same for you.

That is about all I can think of just now, add any more that you can think of below.

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