Ok, here we go. For me, weight is an issue.
I am not one of those people you read about in papers or magazines who say that they are happy in their skin and that they are comfortable overweight.
At the moment, I have three stones to lose to feel comfortable and get into the lovely clothes in my wardrobe that have been squirreled away for the last four years.
I have been up and down, I lost two stones last year in January and February, only to put one stone back on again over the year. This time, I want to lose the three stone.
I started on January 1st, but there have been many more family issues this year than last year, and I am a comfort eater. When I am stressed, I eat, then feel guilty, then I eat some more.
I have bad feet, so that rules out jogging, or cycling when they are bad. I also have a child at home who is not able to be put into a creche etc, so I can’t do my exercise of choice this year, which is swimming.
What I do have, is all of you. @livingwithkids on twitter started a weight loss journey with a group of women who are all wanting to lose weight, and although I have not answered this week (sorry Liz, if you end up reading this), I have had an awful week. I am hoping to do better next week.
The one thing that I really would like in my quest to regain my old body, and that is an appetite retrain facility. If one of those was available, I can imagine that the person who made it up would be a millionaire overnight.
I have an awful appetite. It’s not hunger. Unlike some people, I do know what hunger is as I used to starve in my 20’s. Not that you would know it now. I regularly used to go for 2 – 3 weeks on end eating nothing, and I mean nothing. Perhaps the odd cup of coffee with milk in it, and a cup a soup or two. And I worked 12 hour shifts when I was at University. Not once did I ever pass out, or feel faint.
This appetite is the overriding feeling of the fact that you must put that thing into your mouth, chew, and then swallow it, despite all that your head is telling you. I used to starve without any thought of hunger or appetite. Even now, I rarely feel hunger, although I recognise when I am peckish. I don’t need it, I certainly don’t want it, but yet I still pop it into my mouth. I also find it difficult to look back on the girl who starved for years, and understand how I did it.
I often now, find myself pacing the floor to stop myself from eating. The craving is so strong, that it is totally unreasonable. I suspect it is a replacement for what I really need. The only problem is, that I have not figured out what it is that I actually need. My desire is to be thin, fit and healthy. That’s when I feel good, yet I am the one that is doing so much to ensure that it doesn’t happen.
I am putting this out there, as a reminder to myself, that this is the year that I want to crack it properly. I am resisting the urge to do a starvation session, and I am trying to do this sensibly. It is taking longer to come off, and I am slipping back and forth with sticking to the diet.
I may need a kick up the derriere a few times this year to get back on the wagon, and the magical button to banish appetite is just not going to happen for me. This years quest, is simply to be able to ignore it rumbling away in the background.
Maybe I should post a picture of me where I want to be, and have that looking at me every time I log in. Hmm, that might just make me raid the biscuit tin……
Wish me luck.
4 thoughts on “Appetite for Disaster – My Fight with Flab”
Did you see my progress post last week?
I do so know where you mean but keep it up and it will pass. Honestly. I also featured a really sad (anonymous) guest post from a binge eater the week before too and I have to say, I had issues along those lines too.
Maybe the eating is a reaction to all the starving you did? I think the problem is you spent so long controlling what you ate that trying to find normal eating is very hard. It means eating then stopping at the right point. So so hard to learn.
I was a fat teenager and a yo yo dieter. I made a huge and permanent lifestyle change when I became a vegetarian about 10 years ago which has definitely had a very positive effect on my eating and body shape. I am actually only a few pounds away from my ideal weight now after having a baby last June. I have achieved this through exercise and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle rather than dieting as such. However, I still have the urge to eat things I really don’t want or need in an excess that makes me feel guilty and ashamed at my lack of control. I see myself doing it, scream at myself to stop, but somehow that second (sometimes third) doughnut finds its way past my protesting lips. I really wish I knew what the answer was.
What a truly honest post that must be echoed by so many. I’m also trying to lose weight with #newyearnewbody so know how you feel and must admit I was tempted by fat burning pills so desperate am I to lose weight. My issues are eating when bored or lonely but I’m trying to exercise through this. Stick with it and Good Luck
And you too Lisa. I am finding it really difficult to get on track this year. I started out so well, then have stalled. The emails will hopefully keep going downwards as the year progresses…