Image: Naypong / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I am putting this post up as a result of something I saw on twitter yesterday.
This IS my space, and I am not falling out with anyone because of it, but I’d like to set the record straight about some things and hopefully it gets taken in the right vein, as a mainly educational post, although it does have a hint of rant.
I do feel that we can all learn from the things that we read and see, and it makes one person more understanding as a result, then I have done what I need to.
We all need to learn to live with each other, and have a responsibility to try to understand why things might happen, and not just jumping to conclusions. I don’t want to make this a difficult park to play in, but it does need addressing.
In summary a little girl, about 6 or so was being effectively called names because she did something childish and upset another child. It was a simple enough start, but the reactions were a tad ridiculous.
The parents were blamed, the sibling was mentioned as a possible blame factor, and the girl was seen as a future pariah. This was someone else’s 6-year-old girl people were talking about – NOT a willfully angst ridden teenager sitting in a jail cell.
I didn’t want to get into the timeline and talk about it, because that might have ended up with me getting a good amount of hate tweets, and I would probably have posted on my soap box. I did say that I didn’t like it and I did stop reading my timeline for a while so that I didn’t have to see any more.
We can call our own children what we like, but we shouldn’t jump to such ridiculous conclusions about other people we have never met.
I can tell you a little bit about BEING a parent who is blamed so easily… And don’t even get me started on people blaming a sibling. Is there such a word as familyist, or siblingist, because there should be?
I AM one of those parents who gets the blame – often….
I have been called that, pretty much since the day I adopted my boys. My boys struggle a bit with etiquette, expectations, body language and just plain old sentences that don’t literally mean what they say. That’s not their fault, or mine, yet I am constantly derided as I “MUST” be one of those parents who swear at their kids, as one of mine swears as much as any Coprolalia Tourette’s sufferer.
I don’t swear – I never have. How does that make me, or people like me feel, being judged to be the cause of my sons swearing by people who live in their little sheltered bubbles and have never had to deal with neglect, abuse or disability on a daily basis?
My 3 year child once told a woman of at least 25 stone she was “fat”. He asked her what she ate to get so fat. She accused me of bringing him up badly as that was obviously what I thought before he said it. Hmmmmmm. My ventriloqy act must be getting better.
Instead of blaming the family, could we start looking at daily influences on our children.
The TV programmes with the kids in them, all tantrumming, backchatting, and looking for status. The older children up to 12 + in the playgrounds, of which, probably more than half of them have unrestricted internet and you tube, and could be playing games like Grand Theft Auto. They really DO pick up on all of that you know.
And we may like to think our little angels don’t know swear words, but if they are in a school playground, believe me they do, they just don’t repeat them in front of you, but they know them. The problem is that some children are more mature in their actions and abilities at younger ages than others (both boys and girls). It’s not wrong, it’s the diverse world that we live in – but adults have to accept those influences and guide that, so that children have a chance to grow up as responsible adults.
The Government is even getting in on it – and this idea of making a parent responsible for a child at secondary, or senior school not attending. Well excuse me for putting a spanner in the works, but how are some teensy little mums going to do it? You know, those ones who are over shadowed by 6 footer sons who’ve been told that they can do what they like by the telly, friends, leaders, and that they have “rights” to choose how they live. THEN, in the recklessness of youth, they decide they’re not going to go to school, because what’s the point, there’s no jobs for them anyway. How are some mums going to get them to school? Could you drag a 6 footer kicking and screaming to school?
It’s all the same thing, blame the parents as a whole and don’t look at the individual circumstances.
What about the possibility that the girl is having a terrible time, or that she could be under stress, or that she needs support and isn’t getting it? What about the possibility that she is upset about something and has taken it out on another child that she is comfortable enough with to show it to.
Yes, there are times when it “could” be the parents, but why judge someone as a bad parent when you don’t know if it is true.
My point is that the responders had no idea of any of the background, or the child, and had no way of knowing what caused an incident, and certainly had no reason to blame the parents or the siblings for it.
It was a very sad conversation, and hopefully by reading this, people will think a little more before dismissing a whole family in one fell swoop.
Lets all just imagine ourselves in the shoes of the 6 year olds mum. One day, that mum could be YOU.
Comments are open – feel free to add one, whatever your point of view. I have a steel helmet on today.
julesey10 says
September 23, 2011 at 7:23 amI wouldn’t ever judge the parent for a childs actions unless I knew the background but I will judge on experience of girls and often 6 year old girls and upwards can be clichey and generally hurtful. I have one now 14 and remember the turf wars of 6 year old girls for top dog status well. I’m not saying thats always the case but as women ourselves we must remember that girls can just be girls and its not always pleasant. I don’t always think the female mind needs a reason or background for its actions we can just sometimes be….. well……. hard work and hard to phathom.
Deb @ aspieinthefamily.com says
September 21, 2011 at 10:54 pmI think there is terrible negativity about parenting the moment. It seems to fill our media on an almost daily basis, telling us how to parent, what to do, what not to do, how our children should behave, what they should eat, sleep etc. I am fed up with it and I am fed up with being judged too quickly by people around me and above all the government who are always blaming parents, it seems, for every social ill. Its time the government and media took a more balanced approach to reporting on parenting and recognise that good parenting does exist and that some behaviours are not always due to bad parenting. Sometimes its due to disability (as I well know) or the type of society we have become. Perhaps then people will learn that its not always parenting thats at fault and stop making rash judgements and instead offer support and encouragement.
Michelle Smith says
September 21, 2011 at 9:28 pmYou are spot on. Label the behaviour but NOT the child. What a fantastic post. It’s that good I am printing it off and using it with staff at our in-service day tomorrow!
🙂 Thank you x
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 9:37 pmHi Michelle – feel free to use it, glad it could be of some help to you. Good luck tomorrow. x
Joy Cavanagh says
September 21, 2011 at 8:59 pmThink parents who judge other parents feel insecure themselves that they have stoop to such levels to make them feel better about themselves
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 9:27 pmSad situation all round, but hopefully there has been some learning around it now.
Crystal Jigsaw says
September 21, 2011 at 8:09 pmI guess you could say guilty as charged seeing as I was one of the judgemental tweeters. I apologise that you felt the need to write this post. I get judged constantly as you know and any comments I made were most certainly not meant to judge anyone. Least of all a 6 year old child. It’s human nature to jump to conclusions and we are all guilty of it to some degree. I have to say openly, I am particularly embarrassed to have judged someone without thinking what I was saying. Perhaps other strangers will stop judging me also.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 9:24 pmSadly we can’t stop what other people think, but we can choose where our own judgements are directed. It’s a learning experience for us all as we go through life. None of us are perfect, and we move on with fresh eyes to the same situation next time. I’m glad you posted.
The three brave tweeters who were part of the conversation that have spoken up here have my utter respect for commenting publically about it.. That’s what learning from, and sharing experiences is all about.
BlueBearWood says
September 21, 2011 at 7:12 pmA great view point from the other side. We are all so quick to judge people whether they be adult or children. It’s a sad part of our current society. Even the media seem very heavy handed with the judgement without evidence articles. Having my first child was an eye opener. Then having 2 more very close to the first opened my eyes even further. They have had pretty much the same opportunities, surroundings and input but all behave and react to things very differently. We all have off days.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 9:18 pmThank you. It’s impossible for us all to get it right all the time isn’t it.
milliepaw says
September 21, 2011 at 7:06 pmI do not know the twitter thread that lead to this but I do know I judge parents and their lack of control. I am not a parent, but I do have years of childcare experience and come from a huge family. I was one of those difficult teens (in the professionals eyes) in mine I was fine. My sin, my mother died. Who knows why this 6 year old did something deemed bad. I’m brave enough to step in and tell other peoples kids off, I know many will not. Maybe if an adult had stepped in and asked why she might have had the chance to answer.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 9:17 pmIts more the judgement of people who knew nothing about the child that was the sad thing. Hopefully they have learned if they read this blog, and realise that sometimes getting carried away with a topic just isn’t the nicest thing to do to a stranger. Thanks
CoffeeCurls says
September 21, 2011 at 3:55 pmI know the conversation that you are referring to, and I was one who jumped in and said the 6 year old was out of order. Which she was. However you are completely correct in what you have said and I thank you for showing the situation in a different light. It is so easy to get swept up in things without viewing it from all angles. x
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 4:37 pmThanks for commenting. I think its fair to say the behaviour was not very nice, or out of order, but not the child. Just because she did one not very nice thing, it’s wrong to write her off as out of order, but I think I know what you mean by it. The 6 year old is a 6 year old. Sometimes, that is just the kind of thing that 6 year olds do. We accept it and try to help, or we make it worse, or we try to understand the reasons behind it. I agree with the getting swept up in conversations sometimes, it is easy to do – and to make judgement without really knowing what is happening. I’ve put my foot in my mouth as much as the next person, but this one, I really felt that I had to say something about.
Claire says
September 21, 2011 at 3:49 pmNobody is perfect and no parent is perfect. I am now a teacher but I used to work in a secure unit for children who were deemed as ‘unsuitable’ for a mainstream environment. The children with behavioural difficulties that I worked were the most lovable children who needed some support, guidance and an adult to show them some unconditional care. I’d say that some of the parents or caregivers could be in some way ‘blamed’ for the way the child turned out but that only 50% of the issue. There are many factors which shape a personality or behaviour and we should give parents support rather than bringing them down because in the end, who does that help?
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 4:21 pmNo parent and no child is perfect. Thats one of the reasons I struggled with the conversation.
Marylin says
September 21, 2011 at 2:58 pmI figure kids say things that they observe without thinking… they can hardly be blamed! There are some instances where the parenting (or, usually lack of) is the reason, but more often than not, that’s not the case!
She’s only 6 for goodness sake!
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 4:13 pmThats what I think. It needs understanding and guidance for a 6 year old, how else is she supposed to learn how to deal with situations.
The Mad House says
September 21, 2011 at 2:31 pmI think this is a great post. I try very hard not to be Miss Judgeypants when it comes to others children, as Mini is a handful and I dread to think what people think of me and him. It is a woman thing, we are often other women’s hardest critics and it shouldn’t be so.
I am learning that MIni picks things up from older children, who have watched GFA as you said. Parenting is a hard enough job, without being pulled to pieces and at 6 you should be given some support rather than pulled apart on twitter. Shame on those people
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 4:17 pmThank you. It takes understanding from all of us to help children understand how to live.
Gigi says
September 21, 2011 at 2:09 pmTotally agree with this post. I’ve made a huge number of assumptions about parents in the past. Less so now that I am a parent too. Unfortunately my biological son went through a particularly horrid and thankfully short phase where he seemed to pick on smaller children. When he was 2-3 years old. It’s mortifying when your child behaves badly and insult is added to injury when you are judged by that most harsh of critics – the other mothers. We’ve also adopted recently and often thought during the pre-adoption training that all parents could do with similar training to understand how and why children form their opinions, build trust and confidence in themselves. But of course that won’t be happening any time soon. In the meantime let’s think before damning anyone, in particular a young child who is still learning how to behave.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 2:14 pmThank you Gigi. I appreciate your comment. There’s a thing – I think it’s a great idea that all pregnant mums should be made to do the training we are made to do for adoption.
Gigi says
September 21, 2011 at 2:17 pmIf only it was mandatory to learn a little about parenting. Such an important job, so taken for granted and these days so full of pitfalls.
KTG says
September 21, 2011 at 2:06 pmI love this title . I admit, prior to having my children I judged how others parented much harsher.. But it’s not my job to control every single action of my kids and I want to shout that in the streets sometimes.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 2:12 pmI can understand non parents being judgemental. It really strikes me as odd how people think everything that comes out of a child’s mouth is the parent.
Corinne says
September 21, 2011 at 1:12 pmYou’d think as parent’s we would understand that we need to give other parent’s a break. I have probably bitched about other people’s kids before out of frustration but I do like to try and be careful about judging people. We are careful with our 12 year old in terms of tv, internet and computer games but I know he gets exposed to things I wouldn’t like elsewhere. He knows how to behave but I would be surprised if he behaved well all the time, do people forget so easily what it’s like to be a child and a teenager?
I obviously wouldn’t agree with all parenting decisions other people make, but they are their decisions for their children. If they ask for advice I’ll try and help but otherwise they need to muddle through as best they can, like many of us are doing.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 1:34 pmIt’s so difficult to keep kids away from the things that we don’t want them to learn / do, and none of us can get it right all the time, is so sad.
Siobhan says
September 21, 2011 at 1:03 pmI completely agree!
It is impossible to know why a child behaves in a given way on any one day at any one moment. Even a neuro-typical child can have an off day which results in them exhibiting behaviours which they would normally known how to manage. It’s part of being human, anyway we can’t all be perfect all the time.
When this behaviour is put in the context of special needs, it is even less likely for an outsider to have any idea what is going on in the situation and even more ridiculous for the outsider to then start apportioning blame and judgement.
As a parent of a child whose behaviour is often impulsive, uncontrolled and occasionally wild, I have been at the receiving end of this judgement. I walked past a mother of one of my son’s then nursery peers chatting to her friend outside one day. She didn’t know who I was but I knew who she was. She was telling her friend how she had changed her daughter’s reception class because she didn’t want “X in the class with my Y”. She went on to say how X (my son) is “out of control, and I know he has some problems and the Nursery teacher says the parents are doing their best but I am sorry their best isn’t good enough”. I should have challenged her, I have since challenged parents who have judged us but that particular occasion I just went home and cried.
It’s shitty for the parents and for the child in these situations. The parents are being unfairly judged. The child is being labelled “Naughty, difficult, unruly, out of control”. An already vulnerable child’s self-esteem gets another kicking.
I do wish playground bullies would grow up and not continue their bullying in their own children’s playground!
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 1:34 pmYou’ve summed up my points exactly.
Shell Louise says
September 21, 2011 at 12:44 pmI agree and am guilty of hasty judgements. There’s a little boy on our street who is quite nasty to my girls and very cheeky to me. He swears at me and can be very abusive. I’ve been quick to say, can’t believe he’s being raised like that. I’ve bad mouthed the mother without knowing anything she’s going through with him and I feel bad for doing so.
She can’t be that bad of a mother, her elder daughter is a lovely young girl who would do anything to help anyone and is always very polite so she can’t be doing too bad of a job.
I’ll definately be more aware of making snap judgements in the future.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 1:36 pmWe all make mistakes hon. It’s when we don’t learn from them that problems keep coming up. Thanks for commenting, that was a brave thing to do. Good luck x
Kate Boardman says
September 21, 2011 at 12:06 pmLOL!!! My daughter once told a lady she was fat too. The lady reacted very badly demanding she be punished but, before I could say anything, my Mum responded by saying ‘ you don’t punish children for telling the truth’. Out of the mouth of babes eh? She wasn’t being rude, she was 4, she was making an observation.
Anyway, back to your judgemental parents. I think some mums (and dads) feel secretly relieved that other peoples kids ‘misbehave’ because they it makes them feel superior. This is based on 25 years of experiencing some appalling cliques within playgroups and in the playground.
Only this week I heard one mum complain that my son was ‘ignorant’ when being spoken to. She got rather flustered when I told her sharply it was unsurprising as his hearing aid was in for repair (true). I agree with you, some people need to engage brain before opening mouth.
Scottish Mum says
September 21, 2011 at 1:37 pmReactions can be too swift and too judgemental which is what saddened me. It’s the first time I have seen that level of misunderstanding on mum bloggers circuits, but I guess it can be anywhere.
Sabele says
September 22, 2011 at 12:09 amI’ve been trying to bite my tongue about this all night, but really this is rude behaviour. People who are fat are people first and foremost, and shouldn’t have to put up with people judging them, and unnecessary comments. Fair enough the child doesn’t know any better, but it doesn’t seem like they will learn from the actions of their adult relatives.
Scottish Mum says
September 22, 2011 at 12:05 pmI considered not posting your comment as I think you have also jumped to conclusions, but that isn’t in the spirit of discussion.. I wrote the example of the fat lady as she came storming up to me screaming and shouting at me for my parenting skills for what a 3 year old who had lived with me for one month had said. The example was about jumping to the wrong conclusions, and nothing to do with the fact that she was fat. Kate was emphasising what looks to be a similar situation she had been in, and I can tell you from experience how intimidating it is when someone comes screaming and shouting at you in front of your children. It really is quite disturbing and scary to have happen, and that has the potential to face any parent. I had three toddlers and a dog with me when it happened to me, and they were terrified when the woman began shouting and screaming in my face. The three year old was traumatised and cried for days. I had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to have said at first. Yes, he stated the obvious, and yes, we talked about it afterwards, and how it wasn’t nice, but the reaction was totally unjustified.
It is all the same thing I think, we jump to conclusions without knowing the whole background, and none of us get it right all the time. Talking to each other is where we learn form experiences for the future. I’ve had my children ask me why I was so fat when they were younger and I was a lot heavier, and I do think that just because someone has taken offence at something a very young child has said, it is not right to go screaming and shouting at the parents because of it. That gets us nowhere. Yes I agree, fat people are people first, but they also have a responsibility for their actions too. This is an interesting direction, and my third attempt at writing a reply as I thought you were originally talking about my sentence in my post and were outraged at what I had written there, but then realised that you could be meaning Kate’s reply, and I jumped to a conclusion as well, then dug a little deeper and saw your comment was in response to Kate and not to me, so my first reply was not appropriate at all. I think where I am coming from is that we don’t know how it was handled by Kate and her family at home, and that is the important part of the story that we don’t know.