I think it is about time that I updated my Thinking Slimmer #slimpod journey.
I am now coming up to 5 weeks on the programme. Many of you will have heard a lot about Thinking Slimmer by now, and all about the bloggers who are trialling the mp3 pods that give us the power of suggestions to help us change our attitudes to food.
I have spent my entire life thinking about food, obsessing about food, wishing for food, wishing to be thin, obsessing about my weight, and being paraniod about it. When I was thin, obsessing about everying I ate, how much, and when. There is NOTHING worse as an adult female in company, than to look around the room, and realise that you are the fattest person there. It’s humiliating, it’s awful, and it stinks. It made me feel disgusting and not worthy. That’s maybe not how I looked, but it’s how it made me FEEL. How we FEEL about ourselves is the important thing. Yes, some people are happy fat. I have never been a happy fatty. I have turned down many many invitations to events and nights out because I could not face going fat. Life is so short, that it is completely the wrong attitude to have, but it’s the one that I had.
At my heaviest, I had to buy size 20 / 22 tops and if I am honest, they were probably a little bit neat. I had lost a couple of stone last year, but I couldn’t get down any lower. I was convinced that the only way was to starve myself into my self imposed rules for society’s acceptance.
After just weeks of listening to this little file on my phone every night, I am feeling human again. As an emotional and stress eater, I really thought that the power of the #slimpod would wear off, and I would struggle as the stress took over. I find the opposite to be true. I also find that with the emotional aspect involved, that I sometimes need to listen to the #slimpod during the day at difficult times when the stress makes me move toward the kitchen cupboard. A set of headphones on low, the file on, and I get control again until the next big stress moment. I have a very challenging special needs child so stressful days are very often, as are very stressful moments within a day.
I am finding the increasing confidence that I am beginning to have, is taking me back to the days before I lost my way. My food choices are becoming very different. I have always been a carb girl. Put a bowl of crisps in front of me (as long as they are not plain) and I will happily finish the bowl, while my body will crave the bowl to be filled up again, just for me.
Even friends buy me crisps for when I go round, knowing that I will eat them (ALL). I am the perfect guest who will stuff her face silly with crisps and dip. Let me rephrase, that. I USED to be the perfect guest. I am now confident enough to be able to ask the host/ess not to have them out. If everyone can cope with that, then it will be fantastic. I suspect it is difficult for everyone as crisps and dips are a quick, cheap and easy way to feed guests.
I am losing weight weekly. I have absolutely no idea what my current weight it and I have no intention of weighing myself to find out as I am going to rigidly stay with my no weighing policy. It is working fantastically so far, and I have NO scales weight hangups in an up week, or in any week where I only lose half a pound and then get paranoid about it.
I am in the van so have limited clothes to try on to see what fits and have had to buy some Tesco things to see me through. I AM into my size 14 Tesco jeans – go me. My size 16’s are all too big now. OK, they are all BIG size 16’s, but still. I have a few cheap size 16 Sainsburys T-Shirts I keep in the van and they are all lovely and loose, and getting a little too big as well. I usually wear a top that is about two sizes bigger than my jeans to fit my boobs into. They are shrinking.
I am eating more than I used to eat when I was a huge carb girl. I am getting most of my carbs from strawberries, tangerines and melons. I am eating shedloads of cherry tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, sweetcorn, mushrooms, onions and cucumber. Tesco light caesar dressing is fab as soo low in calories to sprinkle over it all with some chicken. Add that to the tubs of Alpro Plain Soy Yogurt that I am now addicted to, and my life is changing.
My energy is huge in comparison to before. I am managing to keep up with the kids out on their bikes. I have NEVER been able to keep up with the kids before. Ok, my fibromyalgia is still there, my feet still hurt daily, but I am managing to feel better about it, and without the daily carb coma effect, I feel lots better than I did.
I have bad days – I am no saint. I don’t worry about them. If I have overeaten, then I go to town on the day that I do it. I am coping better that way. I throw away my wishlist, and I just have what I crave. I am not beating myself with the never ending stick that I used to carry on my back, weighing me down with every calorie that I put into my mouth. I get up the next morning, and I get on with my day, as if the bad day had never happened.
I have the positive feeling, that this time, I can do it. This time it is a life choice, rather than a lucky year where I have managed to lose lots of weight by starving myself, only to put it all back on again a few years later.
How it affects us, I really don’t know. I do know that the power of relaxation must have something in it. I am in the van with the kids, and hub and grandma tootle back and fro, so on the nights that it is just the kids and I, I have been putting on the #slimpod aloud instead of through my headphones. My youngest who struggles to sleep is now asking if I can put on the “old mans” voice (sorry Trevor) to help him sleep. He prefers it to low music. He is 9 years old.
I wonder if a similar podcast for children who struggle with their self-esteem would be a sensible way to go and put it on at nights for them. I wish there was something out there off the shelf for it. I see huge benefits in the power of safe, sensible suggestion therapy where we feel totally in control.
Thank you Sandra and Trevor.